Every now and again I see or hear an interview where someone says they have 'no regrets' in their life.
I think I'm supposed to admire them for their steely determination or Ayn Rand-ish self-assuredness, but actually I either shiver or do an intellectual double-take.
In my mind the only people with a right to have no regrets died as infants. It seems to me at best people who claim this are confusing self-forgiveness with having no regrets and they run the gamut from stupid, through unaware to narcissistic. I'm sure Gandhi and Mother Theresa had good reason to have fewer regrets but I'm sure they would have a lot more than the rest of us.
In my mind it comes back to the golden rule: do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I know there is a very strong new-age thing about 'you can't emotionally hurt people; they do it in themselves via their reaction to what you do to them', and while there is some truth in that, it is horsefeathers to suggest it allows impunity to bad behaviour.
While I might understand why I have done certain things in my life, because I was young, unaware, hurt, misguided, drunk etc....but there are many things I regret. Things I've said, done, and condoned. And to get specific: I mean times where I have insulted people, undermined them with other people, lied, stolen things, done things I knew were wrong, including getting involved in relationships and situations that I knew were not right, cheated, manipulated and misrepresented things. Almost always for some reason related to my ego; being liked, putting myself above others, getting something, and so on. And while I may have done some pretty bad things I doubt anyone I will ever come across has done nothing bad.
Sure I can forgive myself but really, it's not about me. It's about the world I create around me, the effect I have on people. If I behave like a jerk, for whatever reason, no matter how others take it, it's not making the world a better place; for them or (to reflect my 70s upbringing) me.
When someone says they have 'no regrets' anything else they say disappears in my listening, what I hear is "I behaved badly to maximise things for me and stuff everyone else". Which isn't what they think; probably, but I really decide they are have low self or social awareness or are arrogant.
And I don't care the last person I heard say this on the radio was a sweet sounding 100 year old woman.
This post brought to you to preserve words like gamut and horsefeathers and trying to use more ';''s rather than dashes.
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