New Year's revelations 2011

I used to try new years resolutions and even had long lists of them.

This year I wanted to do New year's Revolutions instead but seizing control of the winter palace seemed a bit out of reach, (but probably more likely than resolving and then succeeding not having any chocolate this year).

Instead I am opting for revelations.

These are the sort of revelations we humans have that go something like:

"oh you've had a hair cut"

"is that your car?"

'Oh did failing off that balcony hurt?"

"it's raining."

"that'll be the phone" etc....

But heaps more profound

1  Annual Resolutions are inhuman.

There is clearly something wrong with resolutions as we can't keep them.  With the best of intent we start out committed to adopting and following goals we set ourselves and within 2 weeks it's like they never happened.  My hypothesis is we're not hardwired to keep resolutions, but we are hardwired to delude ourselves with no memory of previous years failures.

2  Accepting that resolutions are meaningless we should go for the doctor when we make them

NB I wondered if I could work the expression 'go for the doctor' (meaning go for the maximum we can get) into conversation so this can be it.

If it's clear we can't keep resolutions, but it's accepted we make them, we shouldn't limit ourselves to ones that are possible.

I'd suggest if you want to make NY resolutions go for:

• I resolve to be 10 cm taller this year
• By 12 February i will have absolutely no body hair and will grow a seal -like wet suit instead
• I will win lotto first division every week for 6 months
• I resolve to bring peace to lebanon and broker an agreement on whether their breads should be thin for wrapping round things or big fat onces you can cut in half
• I will ensure all episodes of Ben 10 and that Jenna Elfman comedy are destroyed forever

Dream large.

3 People will forget you made resolutions

This is a blank cheque to impress people later in the year.

"Oh yes I resolved to not buy any new trousers till 11 March and see I achieved it!"

"I'm very proud as at new year I said I wouldn't steal anything unless it was a (insert description of item your stole here)"

There's a lot to be said for resolutions made in hindsight.

4 Bad stuff will happen - it's not your fault

Despite having huge respect for Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Jeremy Clarkson and Nelson Mandela the idea we can all change the world is deluded. The idea that each one of us is a powerful God-like agent of change is twisted. So bad stuff will happen. We can have our own peace-making, recycling cottage-domination movement but the world changing stuff only works if you define the world in terms of a small number of observer (usually no more than 3).

So this year do what you can.  But don't sweat the rest.

5 The world won't end this year. Probably.

I'm no expert (on anything at all actually) but there have been doomsday and end-times prophets since ... they first appeared. One day they'll be right and the world will end. Mostly though they've been wrong. Yes: the north (and south) Koreans are behaving like 4 year olds; yes Muslim, Jewish, and Christian militant fundamentalists are all insane (oh sorry except the Muslim ones);  yes the climate is in a really really bad way with global warming; and yes we will probably lose the Rugby World Cup BUT we will probably get through another year.

6 Life happens.

I used to have an album by the Ozark Mountain Daredevils, folk rock bluegrass hillbillies, who had a song called 'It'll shine when it shines". they were right. Sometimes it shines and sometimes it doesn't.

This year it's best just to take advantage of it.

 

  

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stupidness and realistic expectations

The poor woman - why do we expect beauty contestants to know anything beyond how to dress themselves and buy diet pills?

We don't expect diplomats to walk down a catwalk practically naked in high heels.

 

 

Venezuela's former Miss Universe Alicia Machado closed her Twitter account after being mocked for confusing the Koreas with China.

Concerned by North Korea's artillery attack on a South Korean island, the 1996 beauty queen winner got muddled when tweeting for world peace via her @aliciamachado77 account.

"Tonight I want to ask you to join me in a prayer for peace, that these attacks between the Chinas do not make our situation worse," she wrote late on Tuesday.

Her gaffe unleashed a rush of insulting posts, prompting her to go offline. "I now have a lot of psychopaths on the account and it's best I start another one, kisses," she signed off, according to Venezuelan media.

Machado is no stranger to unwelcome attention.

She caused a media furor by gaining 10 kilograms right after her 1996 triumph and Miss Universe organisation president Donald Trump called her an "eating machine."

http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/celebrities/4389824/No-peace-in-Miss-Uni...

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Which Versus That

Which versus that (in case you were wondering)

Restrictive clauses are introduced by that and are not separated from the rest of the
sentence by commas.

Non-restrictive  clauses are introduced by which and must be separated by commas from the rest of
the sentence.

Which just about covers that topic.

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GeoNet – Recent New Zealand Earthquakes

via geonet.org.nz

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Great Spam con ideas #43

I got this today, brilliant!  Best one I've seen in ages.

 

"We are the domain name registration organization in Asia, which mainly deal with international company's in Asia. We have something important need to confirm  with your company.

On the Oct. 21 2010, we received a formal application from a company called "Snatchry International Holdings Ltd" who are applying to register "greeneggs " as domain name and internet keyword.

 After our initial examination, we found that the keyword and domain names applied for registration are as same as your company's keyword and trademark.We don't know whether you have any relation with them. These days we are dealing with it.If you do not know this company, we doubt that they have other purposes to buy these domain names.If they are your business partner or distributor in the asia,we will automatically confirm application from your business partner after this audit procedure. Now we have not finished the registration of "Snatchry International Holdings Ltd" yet, in order to deal with this issue better.Please contact us by email as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

 Heroes.yi

Sponsoring Registrar: SK CHINA TECHNOLOGY LIMITEDHongKong Office
Tel:00852 956 60489
Fax:00852 306 96940
Email: heroes.yi@skdmrc.org
Web: www.china-sk.org"

www.china-sk.org is the real deal.

Searching the domain skdmrc.org and googling it was the key.

Clearly the dialogue is supposed to result in me paying them to resolve a dispute or secure my domains.

Brilliant!

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Sam’s Mediterranean madness salad

 Summer is coming!

 

·         1 x 330-500 ml container plain unsweetened yoghurt

·         half a cup of vinegar  (you choose, white vinegar is good)

·         two tablespoons of dried or fresh chopped mint

·         packet of pasta seashells

·         celery - say 6 big stalks

·         parsley - a handful

·         half a green or red capsicum

 

Start by mixing 

the vinegar and mint together and microwave them together (I throw it in for around a minute - you may want to manage it a bit better).  Let them cool. You might want to do this an hour or so before you do the rest.

Boil the pasta shells until are cooked.  Set them to one side to cool.

  

Chop the celery and parsley with the capsicum.  Chop them finely.

 

Mix the cool vinegar / mint mixture together with the yoghurt.

 

Combine the cooled shells, the vegetables and the yoghurt together. 

 

The salad should be tangy, tart and astringent.

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Suckers - the problems with Malls

The latest proposed expansion to St Luke's Westfield in Auckland is bad news.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10675209 

The residents are opposing on the grounds it's an ugly monolith. Canadian author Douglas Coupland (who wrote Generation X) said Malls are like the Emperor's new buildings. Because they are beautiful and exciting inside - apparently-  people tend to ignore the huge tilt slab exteriors as if they weren't there.

And while this is all true; they are very very very very ugly that's not the main problem. 

The artificial interior is also ugly, but in a much different way, but that's not the problem.

Another issue is the parking and the noise and congestion around where they go.  But that's not the main problem.

Then there's the long hours people are made to work - all businesses are forced to be open when the mall is, and in small retail that can be very long anti-social hours that mean that families and kids get neglected for low paying jobs. This is almost the biggest problem, but again not quite.

The problem is what it's doing to our standards of living. In New Zealand all the big malls are owned overseas. When I see a big mall I see a huge money vacuum cleaner that sucks money and puts it in foreign bank accounts. I can hear it sucking and almost see the the notes and change out of the roof and into the sky. Next time you get near a big mall, blink three times to wash away the magic pixie dust and  see if you can see how ugly it is. Then stop and listen carefully and see if you can hear New Zealand's future being vacuumed up.

The rents for the businesses in them are high and often the staff inside are paid very low wages while the goods fetch premium prices... and then all the profits are sucked up and sent offshore.  The earnings are 'repatriated' and sent to Australia or wherever.  Actually it is Australia.  So all this spending is going offshore and worsening our balance of payments and making New Zealand even less profitable than it already is. The more malls and the bigger they are, and the more we shop in them, the lower our standard of living, especially so if you're a serf that works in one. It gives the phrase 'shop till you drop' new meaning.

I'd like to put a tag here - 'steps along the road to banana republic status'. Really the big sucker here is us. 

 

 

 

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recipe: Indian Summer bacon cabonari

 

 

4 bacon rashers

200 gm mince

6-8 capsicums (or substitute some broccoli)

250 gms sour cream

4 mushrooms

2 tablespoons ready made mild mustard or equivalent

mustard powder made up.

1 teaspoon rosemary

1/2 teaspoon sweet basil

cracked black pepper to taste

500 gm packet of pasta.

Other vegetables.

 

Chop the bacon into rough pieces, 2 cm square and fry

with mince.  Fry until browning, but before they become

crispy.  Say ten minutes.

 

Put on the pasta while the bacon and mince is cooking.

 

Finely chop the mushrooms and add with the herbs and the

pepper.

 

When the mushrooms have also browned add the mustard, and

then when it has mixed through add the sour cream.

 

While this is cooking put on any other vegetables you

intend to have.

 

Finally add the capsicums (and broccoli).

 

Let the mixture cook for 5 to ten minutes.

 

Drain the pasta and the other vegetables.

 

Serve together.

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Columns not up to Herald publication #1

This is unpolished and was never going to work for the Herald on Sunday or anywhere else. And now it's dated by the iPad release

 

We all know it’s been a long cold winter.  The surprise this week is that there's probably ood reason.  According to NIWA, the New, um, International Weather Authority or something, Hell has possibly frozen over.  Well NIWA says they don’t know. Some El Diablo or something from South America creating, unusual, isobaric, influences…. Actually it doesn’t matter what exactly it is in weather terms. The discussions have turned to the place where science meets Women’s Magazines: it’s a religious omen. 

 

Seeking sense I decided to see what New Zealand’s main religions could offer to explain the phenomena. What I sought ways to stop the cold or at least keep warm. The first religion I turned to was Rugby; New Zealand’s orthodox church. Bishop Henry believes it is because people have lost faith.  Apparently the worship of false Gods; Netball, league and, apparently soccer has caused severe upsets in the heavens. Now fully a third of the population are not worshippers any more and unless we return to being rugby-fearing the weather will only get worse.  His answer was to watch more rugby, buy tickets to the world cup and wear black.

 

The devotees of Apple and things beginning with small ‘i’ s have a strong code; the problem is personal,  Nirvana will be achieved when we all have Apple everything.  Currently awaiting their next major religious festival – the arrival of the iPad – the AppleMac-ites aren’t eating, sleeping let alone thinking about the weather. I tried to question one disciple but had to let him talk for 37 minutes about the arrival of the iPad, the models and their capabilities, which store he’s going to camp outside, and how early he thinks he’ll need to be to get one before Bevan.  Breaking his religious euphoria by asking whether it was a virus on a Mac that stopped the aliens in Independence Day, I asked about hell freezing over. It seems in Mac worship the idea of buying a PC and hell freezing over are linked.  

 

The new religion on the block and one that will be interesting to track in the 2011 Census results is Social Media.  While there are many sects in Social media the three largest; Facebook, LinkedIn, and the Tweeps have very few shared views on anything.  The key tenet of faith is that social media is the future, it’s all about social media and the rest of us don’t get it.  I put the question of Hell freezing over to a range of congregation members and all I got back was some virtual crops; a connection to a marketing manager in Tucson; and a 140 character rave about how stupid I was for not having full time staff on Twitter. I did get some responses on hell freezing over but the messages went back to comments about what’s for dinner and a quote from Shirley Maclaine. 

 

I did also look at web pages devoted to the Holdens and the Fords, the Tweedledum and Tweedledee of Westie-based religions. Both worship declining quality Gods which apparently both handle better than the other in bad weather, so more a religion to cope with, rather than address, the cold.

 

The Homeopaths, a religion devoted to medicine not working, believe the way to freeze hell over is to drop a lighted match in it. Conversely if it is cooling dropping a splinter of an ice cube will keep it as a blistering inferno.  Didn’t seem right to me but then I’m not a believer.

 

In the final analysis there should be signs that confirm that hell has frozen over. 

The signs I’d be looking for are, for example, Rodney Hide being in Cabinet, New Zealand beating the world champions in the Football World Cup, TVNZ admitting they were wrong and rehiring Mike Hosking, and the Coach who lost the last Rugby World Cup coaching the All Blacks in the next one.

 

 

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Herald on Sunday columns

I've got a 4 week gig writing columns for the Herald on Sunday.  'That guy' Leigh is away so I've had an opportunity to get back into writing humour. The Herald on Sunday is newspaper of the year and I have to say I always enjoy getting it as it is a good read.

Felt a bit rusty and I'll be sad when the last one is in this coming week, but it's been good.

This week: Vampires - when did they become the goodies?

http://tiny.cc/027lp

Last week: A  bit on fflexible working conditions

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/opinion/news/article.cfm?c_id=466&objectid=10656294

Two weeks ago: Kiwi sports fans can ditch their bad-weather gear

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news/article.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=10654688

I've really enjoyed the stint. I haven't done my best work I have to say, re-reading older columns I don't feel as funny as I used to, BUT as I said I am rusty and instead of repressing my take on issues I need to get back to writing things down as they occur.

 

 

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The dreaded new computer

Changing over computers should be easy. Buy a new one plug a cord from old to new, push 'new computer' and in a few minutes, maybe an hour, the new computer will start and look like your old own with all the files in the right place, connectivity set up, email running etc........ the same but better.

Instead.... days of heartbreak and hours of fevered hunching and stress.  Missing passwords, thinks that just won't work, lost files.

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the dreaded new computer

 Changing over computers should be easy. Buy a new one plug a cord from old to new, push 'new computer' and in a few minutes, maybe an hour, the new computer will start and look like your old own with all the files in the right place, connectivity set up, email running etc........

Instead.... days of heartbreak and hours of fevered hunching and stress.