Almanac's were very popular over 100 years ago and contained useful and exciting predictions about the coming year.
Based on inate psychic powers I have here are some predictions you can set your TIVO to in 2010
1 The new Dan Brown novel (working title - The Cowell Myth) will hinge on important arcane knowledge discovered by playing back Susan Boyle's music.
2 'Five fruit and veges a day' and any product with the word 'Lite' in the name will be proved to be responsible for the obesity epidemic. Scientists will apologise and advocate returning to the thinning diet of overcooked meat, three veg (one of which must be peas), and potatoes for evening meals, and only white bread as the way of reversing the problem. This will gain scientific support when Oprah adopts it in a one-off special TV show.
3 Gordon Brown will finally get angry at Tony Blair as he works through stage 3 of his grief at being given the British PMship to late. During his public meltdown he'll make a Freudian slip referring to Blair as his jedi father.
4 2010 will be the first year in over a decade where Demi Moore will not have new photos of her breasts published.
5 Ronald Reagan will take another step towards formal sainthood when the US Congress designates his tomb a national monument and pilgimages encouraged. This will clear the way to Reagan's visage appearing on Mount Rushmore. The first Reaganite bishops and priests will be annointed.
6 A video of Bill English practising being sworn in as Prime Minister will be found in a VHS being sold as surplus by the NZ Govt.
7 A new reality show where people have to live in a septic tank will be canned due to too many applicants and problems finding a place for the confessions camera.
8 TVNZ will organise a political party leaders' debate and simply forget to invite Phil Goff.
9 The first Super Mayor of Auckland will be made an ex-officio member of the NZ Cabinet, this will be reversed when Mark Ellis wins in a write-on ballot campaign.
10 Graham Henry's long rumoured compromising pornographic video and photographic footage of the NZ Rugby Union Board engaged in an orgy will be revealed. Dan Brown will start writing a book on 'the conspiracy of high pitched whimpering'.
11 Tom Cruise will turn out to have green scaly skin.
12 Al Queda will turn out to be working for the CIA and the UN and committed to dominating the USA and overthrowing the Constitution and most importantly taking away the right of ordinary Americans to own missile launchers. Conspiracy nutbars across the US will get to celebrate saying 'nyah nyah na nyah na'. After several months of 'I told you so' crowing the conspiracists will develop new theories that this discovery was all fabricated by liberal media and that Al Queda, the UN and CIA really aren't co-ordinated but just a huge muddle.
No comments:
Post a Comment