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Launching the NZ Dictator Party

2011-12-01T08:52:00.001+13:00

Picking up on the new wave, of just not voting, I'm thinking of starting a new political party... the NZDP or NZ dictator party.

People who don't want to vote would be encouraged to just one final vote: for me and some cronies, and my one promise 'I'll abolish voting and be dictator.'

I can then offer a bright future similar to Yemen, pre-2011 Libya, Myanmar, North Korea and Syria.

If I can't get over 50% which, by my calcuation, I should get by 2017, I might see if I can start the Proxy party. Vote once, for me, and I'll hold your votes to cast as a block for the party of my choice (probably me again).

A remarkably clever parody or satire of just such a political move is in the hilarious Peter Cook movie The Rise and Rise of Michael Rimmer : http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Rise_and_Rise_of_Michael_Rimmer (written by Cook, John Cleese, and Graham Chapman)

I think what we're really seeing is a byproduct of the growth of multinationals and people seeing themselves as consumers not citizens. I don't vote for Burger King, X-box or Facebook why should I have to vote for government? I can easily see many people being quite happy with government being replaced by a savvy marketing-led consumer business.

And frankly nothing would improve appetite for democracy so much as not having it.

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Storm over a tea cup

2011-11-17T14:05:00.001+13:00

Weeks of the living dread

2011-10-11T10:09:00.001+13:00

It started like any other day. I wasn’t even aware there was anything different. Well there were more beeping car and house alarms when I woke up. And barking dogs, but there are always barking dogs on all sides where I live. But there was the sound of no traffic. I ventured out and saw nothing. Clearly there had been something odd going on; houses abandoned, deserted streets, and empty V cans blowing down the road like tumbleweeds.

I had slept in before but never to find this. Then a car from a side street appeared, small black flags fluttering as it speed away – “watch out – get off the street!” the terrified driver yelled at me as he sped passed.

Then I saw ‘them’ following, a large group of stomping people moving down the road, pale and fixated. Silently they shuffled towards me vacantly, menacingly, and I realised they were no longer of this world, they were the undead. Wearing dark green scarves the overseas rugby zombies wearily trod along the FanTrail on the way to Eden Park, wanting blood.

It’s been going for a while now, some weeks. A strange disease has taken over and taken our neighbours, our friends, and our loved ones from us. Losing their brains to the RWC syndrome, nothing makes sense anymore and no-one is safe from photos, tv cameras and the collection of international media.

Once sane ordinary Kiwis now sport silly little flags from their vans and cars, flapping about like Whale Oil flaunting name-suppression orders. And if you haven’t noticed people can only talk about one thing, ‘did Mike Tindall cheat on Zara?’ and other important RWC related news.

The newsmedia is mostly about the invasion but as yet no medical cure has yet been found. Like the Christchurch earthquakes we need to just ride it out till it stops, and therein lies the challenge.

As someone who is so far immune to the affliction, I have gathered with others in safe areas to discuss what we can do to keep ourselves from falling. One-by-one though we’re peeling off, struck down by the cup in horrible ways. One of my friend’s wives started harmlessly watching the first few minutes of Australia versus Ireland, and now all they both do is jabber about loose mauls and Sexton. I assume that’s rugby not some swingers club they’ve joined.

I’m the last person to comment on rugby, having only ever watched two games; a televised Lion’s game in late 1970-something, and a club game in Sri Lanka, but I have learnt how to talk rugby. In the 80s and 90s I discovered I would get nods by talking vaguely about Canterbury’s character as ‘a hard working and determined desire to win’ and Wellington’s as ‘moments of brilliance followed by perplexing ineptitude’. Auckland was ‘brilliant season followed by a patchy one’ and Waikato ‘lots of heart but lack of skills and follow through’. These would always promote a longer discussion where additional platitudes seemed to satisfy everyone.

If you mostly confine yourselves to talking about the ‘AB’s’ (That’s the un-trademarked name for the All Blacks) I’ve divined the following phrases should keep you safe; ‘McCaw is a legend’, ‘Good game but teams need to cut the penalty count’, and ‘We’re lifting our game with every match’. Of other teams, “I’m not convinced, what do you think?” People will cover the rest of the conversation for you.

Now it’s time to keep our heads down. we’re all safe unless we lose. Then it will really be time to head for the hills.

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Let's get to bottom of really serious conspiracies - NZ Herald

2011-09-25T14:32:00.001+13:00

Over the years I've dealt with many journalism students or recent broadcasting graduates on the case, chasing the big scoop.

The suspicious questioning, bushy-eyed enthusiasm and strong belief in their assumptions, about how things they don't understand actually work, is heartening but at the same time depressing.

A significant proportion of them are convinced they have stumbled on to Watergate, or at the very least you're-bloody-hiding-something-gate.

If only it were true.

They'd be best turning their minds to the more obvious conspiracies, the ones we all care about.

So, in the interests of encouraging young journalists, I'd like to nudge them in the direction of some coincidences that we simply want explaining.

Starting with toothpaste and toothbrush manufacturers. How is it that every year they can find another "major" dental hygiene issue requiring a new toothbrush or mouth paste or gel?

Surely they worked all this out years ago and an evil fear-mongering manipulator is rolling them out annually to make mega profits.

And why are all the toothpastes mint-flavoured? Is there a cunning vendetta against the mint industry to prevent them successfully getting mint into our food by making it remind us of a dentist? You decide.

Why haven't we won the Rugby World Cup since 1987? Consistently we've had the world's best team.

Have the plaintive cries of those who think Kiwis are too preoccupied with rugby been heard at the highest level?

Is there a conspiracy of unknown powerful operatives with white cats who ensure we keep losing to give other sporting codes a chance? Graham Henry's continued appointment can't be a series of coincidences.

Why is it every time a patriotic New Zealand business does well the people at the helm suddenly feel compelled to sell the company to someone offshore, generally Australia?

Coincidence? Or perhaps it's proof of a secret provision in CER we were never told about. Perhaps the NZ dollar and economy is kept so awful in comparison to Australia as part of a long-term agreement.

Consider this - there is no way our governments would perform so badly for so long if they really wanted to maintain our economic sovereignty.

We know that increasingly young people have no faith in government, and while everyone pretends it’s a concern, government runs expensive campaigns to help young people but steadfastly never mentions who has funded or organised the campaign. Be it safe sex, responsible drinking, combating depression, or getting an education the government hides behind ‘if they knew it was us they wouldn’t listen’.

So youth are expected to believe that some magic fairy is behind all this work, and in doing so get increasingly dismissive of what government does, become increasingly libertarian in their beliefs and resist paying taxes. Is this a right wing Treasury plot to destroy government using its own campaigns? Whatever is behind it – it’s fiendish.

Somewhere in Wellington there must be a deep throat, committed to safe sex messages but willing to tell all.

Finally, here's the greatest puzzle.

Every year, as news gets more complicated and requires more understanding of human nature and the past, newsrooms get smaller and younger.

Experienced, savvy news reporters are let go and 15-year-olds are brought in.

Have you seen the TV news? It's almost like there's been a slow but sure news-hack rapture, or more like Logan's Run, the sci-fi programme where everyone over 30 is put to death to keep society young. It's no wonder young journalists see themselves needing to be suspicious. They know they're not long for this world.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/opinion/news/article.cfm?c_id=466&objectid=10754120

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Sam Fisher: Stage jokes backfire before you can say 'sick day' - Herald

2011-07-24T11:22:00.001+12:00

5:30 AM Sunday Jul 24, 2011

EXPAND

The meaning of the word 'gay' has changed a lot over the past century. Photo / Thinkstock

It must be hard being a stand-up comic. Not because it's difficult, although in my limited experience the eerie silences when I've finished are quite awkward.

The difficulty is knowing what you can poke fun at and what you can't, as social mores wax and wane. Life is moving so fast it's possible things that were funny at the start of a routine may be off limits by the finish.

Look at the evolution of the term "gay". For many generations it meant carefree, but late last century it became a term of abuse for sexual orientation, then a positive word for homosexuality, and now it seems another generation is using it to mean stupid. By next Thursday it may have come to mean enlightened, before turning into a synonym for Antichrist by Friday lunchtime.

Another example was highlighted once during a course I was on. It disintegrated when a social activist in her 50s aggressively took the facilitator to task for referring to us all as "guys". She refused to step down when the younger women insisted "guys" meant everyone, including women, leading to one of them calling her an old interfering hag.

To this day I'm not sure whether "old interfering hag" was meant as a term of endearment or positive reference for a wise middle-aged woman - but it certainly wasn't taken that way.

It is probably time for some lateral thinking, maybe a weekly forecast on what you can and can't use for comedy for at least the coming week.

It could become a regular feature, like the weather.

Here's how it might look.

"You can't use racist terms this week as they make the deliverer look stupid, and comments that are anti-women are so out of favour you could lose your senior lobbying role before you can say 'sick leave'.

"Criticising religion will get you rested for several weeks - unless you're making fun of Christians, which can be used in columns with gay abandon. (You can choose the meaning you attach). Cloud banks cover a number of 'one true religions' and raise too many insurance risks for the working comic.

"By Tuesday, age will still be fair game, although if you're using this to discriminate in employment it has to be dressed up as 'won't fit into the team' or another euphemism. Baby-boomers changed our attitudes to older people in the 1970s and will get as much respect as they gave the elderly in their day.

"It will stay fine to pick on very skinny or obese people, but get in early as the study of epigenetics (how our specific genes and food types interact) may take this off limits by the weekend.

"Surprisingly, the outlook for viciously abusing people with red hair (particularly former News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks) remains good. This symptom of the Celtic gene pool is fair game and use of the word ginga is only deemed hurtful to people who need to toughen up.

"Making fun of journalists who worked for News of the World is fine at any time. They've been taking the piss for years.

"The long-range forecast is positive for continuing to make snide comments about men's inability to multitask.

"Rude comments about intelligence and geekiness are expected to come into ascendancy in the future.

'The prediction for next week is the best target for jokes could be the freakishly extroverted show-offs who want to publicly make fun of others - so columnists, stand-ups and buskers wrap yourselves up well and stay indoors. It may just not be funny any more."

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Untitled

2011-07-17T11:32:00.001+12:00

Herald on Sunday

Sunday July 17, 2011

Sam Fisher: Career enhancement a triumphant motivator

comments

By Sam Fisher

5:30 AM Sunday Jul 17, 2011

I feel another career-change coming on. Since there is little of any practical value I can actually do, branching into motivational career seminars seems a great way to make money. Sorry, that came out wrong; I mean, it would be a unique challenge to empower and assist colleagues in management to have their organisations punch above their weight, create powerful learning workplaces and delight their customers.

There has been a bit on the news wires lately about the way different generations behave in the workplace. The general thrust seems to be that Generation Ys are the most amazing, collaborative and talented generation in the history of the modern workforce - provided you promote them to chief executive in the first six weeks.

They can leap tall bureaucracies, are faster than a screaming Baby Boomer and can stop a committee with their sheer strength, but they aren't interested in the mundane tasks and rigid hierarchies that Generation X or Boomers crave.

Having employed and supervised people, I should be able to provide my own insight into the differences between the generations.

That should lead to a popular blog and the ability to charge hapless managers for my motivational Powerstaff management TM ©programme.

I have no experience in industrial or any other form of psychology, but I have watched two episodes of The Mentalist and all of The Office.

So it is not hard to deduce that the current theory is that regardless of the ages of the team you work with, you assume anyone who works for you is likely to be an idiot.

This is the Groucho Marx theory: "I wouldn't join any club that would have me as a member". It can easily be translated to "anyone who's already here must have nowhere else to go". So the general approach is to treat them like rubbish.

Not with Powerstaff.

In the case of Gen Y, they haven't been around long and promoting and giving them all the best work will be seen as being a good corporate mentor.

Forget Gen X - they're never going to amount to anything as their age cohort is too small and most of them didn't use computers until they were 15. They don't count.

Boomers are important as they all have good lawyers, so you need to be nice to them and restructure them out.

But like all good programmes, Powerstaff is more helpful than that. Here are further things to watch for.

Gen Ys want to make all the decisions, which challenges the Boomers as they are used to doing that. So you package the decisions that don't matter and let the under-30s set up collaborative working groups to solve them. They'll do this cheerfully and although they'll all sweat, the loudest, best looking, and most confident will propose the solutions.

Gen Ys are also interested in what trips, conferences and cool assignments they can score. I had one some years ago who borrowed a work car all day to go flat-hunting. Just keep the trinkets clearly obvious and you'll be fine.

Gen Xers like conferences so they can travel a bit by adding on their leave and maybe get lucky while they're there. They have no future and no power so just let them have leftovers.

Boomers like power and training to add to their CVs - I can recommend a great course on the inter-generational office where they can learn to empower and assist colleagues in management to have their organisations punch above their weight, create powerful learning workplaces and delight their customers ...

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/employment/news/article.cfm?c_id=11&objectid=10738958

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Untitled

2011-06-17T23:49:00.001+12:00

Latest Information

Fact versus fiction

15 June 2011

The IEA sets the record straight on energy-related misperceptions

Myth: We could end dependence on oil with electric vehicles within a few years.
Reality: Electric vehicles can play an increasingly important role over time, but even with rapid sales growth they will not save more than a few percent of worldwide oil use until after 2020.
Explanation: Countries around the world have set electric vehicle (EV) and plug-in hybrid electric vehicle (PHEV) sales targets that, when combined, amount to about 7 million sales per year by 2020. If this is achieved, it will result in over 20 million electric vehicles on the road by that year, taking into account all sales over the next nine years. While this would represent tremendous success for EVs and PHEVs, 20 million is only 2 percent of the expected one billion vehicles on the road in that year.
Myth: Current government commitments to tackle global warming are enough to limit the global temperature increase to 2ºC.
Reality: Even if all announced commitments were fully implemented, they do not go nearly far enough.
Explanation: The Copenhagen Accord – with which all major emitting countries and many others associated themselves – sets a non-binding objective of limiting the increase in global temperature to 2ºC above pre-industrial levels. It also establishes a goal for the industrialised countries of mobilising funding for climate mitigation and adaptation in developing countries of USD100 billion per year by 2020, and requires the industrialised countries to set emissions targets for the same year. The commitments that have been announced, even if they were to be fully implemented, would take us only part of the way towards an emissions trajectory that would allow us to achieve the 2ºC goal.

Myth: Coal is an energy source of the nineteenth century and the world is close to getting rid of it.
Reality: Coal use has never stopped increasing and the forecasts indicate that, unless a dramatic policy action occurs, this trend will continue in the future.
Explanation: Coal is the second source of primary energy in the world (after oil), and the first source of electricity generation. For the past decade, coal has been the fastest-growing global energy source, meeting 47% of new electricity demand.

Myth: China’s National Oil Companies act under the instructions and in close co-ordination with the Chinese government
Reality: They operate with a high degree of independence from the Chinese government.
Explanation: An assessment carried out by the IEA found that despite some instances of co-ordination with the Chinese government, National Oil Companies appear mainly to be driven by commercial incentives to take advantage of available opportunities in the global marketplace. This independent, commercially driven behaviour is particularly pronounced in upstream investments and operations. Their investments have, for the most part, helped to increase global supplies of oil and gas via the same international market that other importers rely on.

Myth: A concentration and lack of lithium supply will prevent mass commercialisation of electric vehicles.
Reality: There is a sufficient reserve base of lithium for widespread electric vehicle deployment at least through to 2030, probably much longer, even with rapid growth in sales.

Explanation: Though lithium (a metal which is a crucial element of batteries for electric vehicles) is mainly concentrated in a few countries in South America, there is more than enough supply for the next 20 years. Also, by around 2030 it is fair to assume that extraction of lithium will be much more efficient, and that batteries may very well not run on lithium by that time.

Photo: Cooling Towers. © GraphicObsession

via iea.org

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The earth moves.... change change change

2011-06-16T20:58:00.001+12:00

Rather than have a daily blog devoted to going on about the earthquakes and recovery around it, I've deliberately kept my own counsel, (well apart from the odd posting and newspaper column in the NZHerald.)

I don't need to mention it's over 10,000 quakes and that the city is ... well destroyed. We know that. the suffering and issues faced by residents is amazing. Particularly in the near invisible east. The roads which have been repaired twice are now covered in bumps, breaks, have lost their tar seal and in many cases down to one lane.

From February I was keen to leave Christchurch. I realised the city I grew up in has gone. The economy is a mess. We've been planning a trip to Aussie with a view to seeing where we could move. I've been annoyed with some authorities, with a range of the issues and the ongoing shaking.

On Monday we had a rather vicious 5.5 (well 5.7 with earthquake inflation) that knocked everything over. Angry and annoyed I picked it all up got on with it. Later we had the 6.0 or 6.3 depending on what side of Colombo Street you're on.

It was when I was picking up everything for the second time (but with more breakages and damage) that something changed. I went from being angry to serene. Rather than having had enough I was riding the wave.

I'd describe my mood as Belligerent. No earthquake will make me leave. I won't let incompetence from any Council get me down. Bugger it.

A lot of people pay a lot of money to go on expeditions, live in tents in the cold, with no comforts, or embark on extreme sports. Camping is where you have very little and have to make do without your house and resources. Just like post-earthquake Christchurch.

I've got all that adventure in Christchurch for nothing (well for a lot actually but it's more loss of property value). It's like a long camping adventure.

And that changes everything.

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Paul Revere secret revealed by Sarah Palin

2011-06-10T16:42:00.001+12:00

http://www.theroot.com/buzz/palins-followers-attempt-change-paul-revere-wikipedia-entry-match-her-facts

The reinterpretation of history by Sarah Palin, and her faithful followers who are attempting to change Wikipedia, has inadvertently shone light on a previously unknown revelation.

Paul Revere was an immortal who still walks this planet.

You can see clearly he is none other than the man we know as Jack Black.

I'd suggest Black be called in to explain exactly what he was doing that night and settle this once and for all.

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From the papers

2011-03-17T08:13:00.001+13:00

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/christchurch-earthquake/4776923/Ken-Rings-Christchurch-earthquake-claims-terrifying-people

Same observation here. Most of Chch will be deserted on Sunday and the roads will be clogged.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/christchurch-earthquake/4777224/Christchurch-is-grumpy

Yes it is too soon for a memorial and I wonder how many will go, my pick is not many - everyone here is saying this is for people outside the city.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news/article.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=10712982

We knew this would happen but what an insensitive headline.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/world/news/article.cfm?c_id=2&objectid=10712989

Heartbreaking.

http://www.stuff.co.nz/national/christchurch-earthquake/4777345/Water-back-on-tap-soon-in-Christchurch

Finally great news!

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Hot pies for breakfast

2011-03-12T10:26:00.001+13:00

From Herald on Sunday 6 March 2011

Confession time. I live in Avondale.

That is, on the banks of the Avon, next to Aranui, Avonside and over from Dallington. Yes, despite my metra-Kiwi language and references, I'm in Christchurch. I won't be offended if you have to read this slowly so it makes sense.

And it's time to talk of shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages, large quantities of mud, car wheels and suspicious-looking black bags that now bob in the Avon mud reservoir.

The Reservoir is what we used to refer to as the Wainoni Loop of the Avon River. I was here for this quake, bravely clinging to a table leg as the table bounced across a kitchen.

I knew immediately it was bigger than the last quake and that the damage would be severe. Of course, 60 per cent of Christchurch you can travel through and be unaware there was a devastating earthquake at all. The damage is in the east and is patchy around the rest of the city.

Friends tell me there is a long-standing suspicion in Auckland (when anyone bothers to think about it) that the resentment towards the City of Sails is simply because other places just want to be like Auckland.

We're a hardy lot down here - we have to be. Hardly any roads, no bridges, huge mud piles and banks of sand ... Driving down lumpy, broken roads at night, dust storms blowing wildly, I was cast back to 1992 when I served in Sri Lanka with Peace Brigades International. The main differences are Christchurch is considerably colder, and there are fewer bullet holes.

Otherwise, the comparison between the mud of the Garden City and a war zone are apt. I've spent a few days at Civil Defence headquarters and it is governed by a sense of military purpose and precision. The city council may have done bugger all over here after the first quake but they have risen to the challenge this time.

And while we don't have any portaloos in our part of Avondale or Avonside, we hear that there's at least one street in Beckenham where they have power and water and one portaloo per house - and we're grateful for them.

The challenge now is surviving. We've picked up some food tips, like the joys of a hot breakfast - choosing between service station pies or sausage rolls, and how to select the best accompanying flavour of potato chips. I can also give advice on cooking with a camp gas stove, the time and place to be a naked chef, the uses of melted ice cream and how to water down milkshakes without water.

I don't think it's all over for Christchurch - when the rebuilding happens we have options. For example, we can be the world's most advanced earthquake-proof single-layer city. Or the only Eastern European-themed concrete tilt slab city in the world.

Christchurch residents are proceeding with determination and grit. The grit is through our hair, clothes and houses, but we know one day it will wash out.

I personally knew at least three of those who have tragically died and it is sobering. What some families are going through I can't imagine.

Each night before I go to bed I wonder whether another quake will mean I won't wake up tomorrow. However, I know more people who survived - right now we've won the quake and it's all about surviving the rebuilding.

The messages of hope and support from all around New Zealand are very welcome.

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Japan

2011-03-11T22:31:00.001+13:00

The Japanese quake this evening (our time) is particularly raw for us.

The Japanese Search and Rescue team leaves here tomorrow and they have done superb work in Christchurch following our 6.3 quake. Now they have an 8.8 and a tsunami of devastating proportions at home to address.

Sadly many of the dead and injured here were Japanese.

I can only hope their rescue efforts go as well as can possibly be expected.

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We built this city on rock n roll.

2011-03-11T22:26:00.001+13:00

I did wonder about writing about the earthquake (sorry, ‘aftershock’) in Christchurch again, after all there is such a thing as having too much of a bad thing. My thought was yes and no. ‘Yes’ I could write about it and ‘no’ I didn’t have any other ideas.

First though the term aftershock, there has been a lot of confusion around this. An aftershock is when the ground moves suddenly and can crack and destroy houses and kill people, while an earthquake has quite different insurance liabilities.

The term ‘safe as houses’ is mocking as the idea of terra firma and things we can rely on have vanished.

And in the new environment strange surreal things have happened. I’ve spent my life avoiding discussion of body functions and would have even recently been voted least likely to have 400 toilets in my garage. Rangiora Earthquake Express; a fantastic volunteer group, have changed all that and made 6,000 chemical toilets to give away. I’m hoping at the next election I can vote them in to replace the local Councils. They make sure things get done, literally.

More importantly every person you meet wants to talk and you swap stories and experiences. People know their neighbours.

The question for Christchurch is what does the future hold?

The issue is certainty in an increasingly uncertain world. Seismologists can’t tell us when there’ll be more shakes or their size. My cat can at least give an hours’ notice. Science knows more about missile guidance systems than earthquakes.

To moon someone is to bare your naked bottom at them, and metaphorically that is exactly what Moon Man John Ring is doing to sell his almanacs. He may turn Christchurch into a deserted ghost town on 20 March and I’ll eat my liquifaction if he’s right, but residents aren’t taking any chances.

It’s so bad that newspaper astrologers could have a resurgence in trustworthiness surveys.

Current debate is what the future holds. Part of Christchurch has gone forever though this isn’t new. Among many architectural ‘fails’, Kiddey’s Toy Shop in the central city, a single level wooden trove, was destroyed for an eight storey faux mirror glass building in the 1980s that was a mere outhouse in Dallas terms and with all the soul of JR Ewing.

Much of the city has been run down for years, usually by media reports only covering crime. The rebuild is still on many drawing boards.

Much of the city has had tired empty old buildings for a long time, and a variety of competing styles. Seismologists could consider swapping disciplines, they might be able to more accurately predict what new Christchurch will look like.

The reality is things have changed. Any rebuild, mothballed suburbs, whatever size and timing, there will very likely be earthquakes in future. The thing is though people have come together. Messages of support are still coming through and Christchurch is full of volunteers from up and down New Zealand. We know now what the ground can do and in the ring of fire we know that whatever happens, New Zealand rocks.

This is the second piece I wrote following the 22 Feb 6.3 quake that hit Christchurch. Since i didn't have power for 10 days it took a long time to get anything down at all.

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Malls

2011-02-27T21:55:00.001+13:00

And did Norm Kirk in modern times Walk upon kiwi city streets. And were the hours 5 days 9 till 5 In christchurch's cheery retail scene. And did the local people shop In local centres run by local staff, And they were all locally owned Instead of these dark satanic malls.

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Lots of things

2011-02-27T21:46:00.001+13:00

Since the latest quake we've been without power ( and water etc....) I have drafted a few blogs. I had no idea how frustrating 6 days without power and Internet could be. Still, alive.

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New Year's revelations 2011

2010-12-31T15:52:00.001+13:00

I used to try new years resolutions and even had long lists of them.

This year I wanted to do New year's Revolutions instead but seizing control of the winter palace seemed a bit out of reach, (but probably more likely than resolving and then succeeding not having any chocolate this year).

Instead I am opting for revelations.

These are the sort of revelations we humans have that go something like:

"oh you've had a hair cut"

"is that your car?"

'Oh did failing off that balcony hurt?"

"it's raining."

"that'll be the phone" etc....

But heaps more profound

1 Annual Resolutions are inhuman.

There is clearly something wrong with resolutions as we can't keep them. With the best of intent we start out committed to adopting and following goals we set ourselves and within 2 weeks it's like they never happened. My hypothesis is we're not hardwired to keep resolutions, but we are hardwired to delude ourselves with no memory of previous years failures.

2 Accepting that resolutions are meaningless we should go for the doctor when we make them

NB I wondered if I could work the expression 'go for the doctor' (meaning go for the maximum we can get) into conversation so this can be it.

If it's clear we can't keep resolutions, but it's accepted we make them, we shouldn't limit ourselves to ones that are possible.

I'd suggest if you want to make NY resolutions go for:

I resolve to be 10 cm taller this year
By 12 February i will have absolutely no body hair and will grow a seal -like wet suit instead
I will win lotto first division every week for 6 months
I resolve to bring peace to lebanon and broker an agreement on whether their breads should be thin for wrapping round things or big fat onces you can cut in half
I will ensure all episodes of Ben 10 and that Jenna Elfman comedy are destroyed forever

Dream large.

3 People will forget you made resolutions

This is a blank cheque to impress people later in the year.

"Oh yes I resolved to not buy any new trousers till 11 March and see I achieved it!"

"I'm very proud as at new year I said I wouldn't steal anything unless it was a (insert description of item your stole here)"

There's a lot to be said for resolutions made in hindsight.

4 Bad stuff will happen - it's not your fault

Despite having huge respect for Gandhi, Mother Theresa, Jeremy Clarkson and Nelson Mandela the idea we can all change the world is deluded. The idea that each one of us is a powerful God-like agent of change is twisted. So bad stuff will happen. We can have our own peace-making, recycling cottage-domination movement but the world changing stuff only works if you define the world in terms of a small number of observer (usually no more than 3).

So this year do what you can. But don't sweat the rest.

5 The world won't end this year. Probably.

I'm no expert (on anything at all actually) but there have been doomsday and end-times prophets since ... they first appeared. One day they'll be right and the world will end. Mostly though they've been wrong. Yes: the north (and south) Koreans are behaving like 4 year olds; yes Muslim, Jewish, and Christian militant fundamentalists are all insane (oh sorry except the Muslim ones); yes the climate is in a really really bad way with global warming; and yes we will probably lose the Rugby World Cup BUT we will probably get through another year.

6 Life happens.

I used to have an album by the Ozark Mountain Daredevils, folk rock bluegrass hillbillies, who had a song called 'It'll shine when it shines". they were right. Sometimes it shines and sometimes it doesn't.

This year it's best just to take advantage of it.

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stupidness and realistic expectations

2010-11-26T09:48:00.001+13:00

The poor woman - why do we expect beauty contestants to know anything beyond how to dress themselves and buy diet pills?

We don't expect diplomats to walk down a catwalk practically naked in high heels.

Venezuela's former Miss Universe Alicia Machado closed her Twitter account after being mocked for confusing the Koreas with China.

Concerned by North Korea's artillery attack on a South Korean island, the 1996 beauty queen winner got muddled when tweeting for world peace via her @aliciamachado77 account.

"Tonight I want to ask you to join me in a prayer for peace, that these attacks between the Chinas do not make our situation worse," she wrote late on Tuesday.

Her gaffe unleashed a rush of insulting posts, prompting her to go offline. "I now have a lot of psychopaths on the account and it's best I start another one, kisses," she signed off, according to Venezuelan media.

Machado is no stranger to unwelcome attention.

She caused a media furor by gaining 10 kilograms right after her 1996 triumph and Miss Universe organisation president Donald Trump called her an "eating machine."

http://www.stuff.co.nz/entertainment/celebrities/4389824/No-peace-in-Miss-Uni...

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Which Versus That

2010-11-04T21:28:00.001+13:00

Which versus that (in case you were wondering)

Restrictive clauses are introduced by that and are not separated from the rest of the
sentence by commas.

Non-restrictive clauses are introduced by which and must be separated by commas from the rest of
the sentence.

Which just about covers that topic.

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GeoNet – Recent New Zealand Earthquakes

2010-10-22T00:20:00.001+13:00

via geonet.org.nz

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Great Spam con ideas #43

2010-10-21T22:07:00.001+13:00

I got this today, brilliant! Best one I've seen in ages.

"We are the domain name registration organization in Asia, which mainly deal with international company's in Asia. We have something important need to confirm with your company.

On the Oct. 21 2010, we received a formal application from a company called "Snatchry International Holdings Ltd" who are applying to register "greeneggs " as domain name and internet keyword.

After our initial examination, we found that the keyword and domain names applied for registration are as same as your company's keyword and trademark.We don't know whether you have any relation with them. These days we are dealing with it.If you do not know this company, we doubt that they have other purposes to buy these domain names.If they are your business partner or distributor in the asia,we will automatically confirm application from your business partner after this audit procedure. Now we have not finished the registration of "Snatchry International Holdings Ltd" yet, in order to deal with this issue better.Please contact us by email as soon as possible.

Sincerely,

Heroes.yi

Sponsoring Registrar: SK CHINA TECHNOLOGY LIMITEDHongKong Office
Tel:00852 956 60489
Fax:00852 306 96940
Email: heroes.yi@skdmrc.org
Web: www.china-sk.org"

www.china-sk.org is the real deal.

Searching the domain skdmrc.org and googling it was the key.

Clearly the dialogue is supposed to result in me paying them to resolve a dispute or secure my domains.

Brilliant!

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Sam’s Mediterranean madness salad

2010-09-23T07:53:00.001+12:00

Summer is coming!

· 1 x 330-500 ml container plain unsweetened yoghurt

· half a cup of vinegar (you choose, white vinegar is good)

· two tablespoons of dried or fresh chopped mint

· packet of pasta seashells

· celery - say 6 big stalks

· parsley - a handful

· half a green or red capsicum

Start by mixing

the vinegar and mint together and microwave them together (I throw it in for around a minute - you may want to manage it a bit better). Let them cool. You might want to do this an hour or so before you do the rest.

Boil the pasta shells until are cooked. Set them to one side to cool.

Chop the celery and parsley with the capsicum. Chop them finely.

Mix the cool vinegar / mint mixture together with the yoghurt.

Combine the cooled shells, the vegetables and the yoghurt together.

The salad should be tangy, tart and astringent.

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Suckers - the problems with Malls

2010-09-22T23:40:00.001+12:00

The latest proposed expansion to St Luke's Westfield in Auckland is bad news.

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/nz/news/article.cfm?c_id=1&objectid=10675209

The residents are opposing on the grounds it's an ugly monolith. Canadian author Douglas Coupland (who wrote Generation X) said Malls are like the Emperor's new buildings. Because they are beautiful and exciting inside - apparently- people tend to ignore the huge tilt slab exteriors as if they weren't there.

And while this is all true; they are very very very very ugly that's not the main problem.

The artificial interior is also ugly, but in a much different way, but that's not the problem.

Another issue is the parking and the noise and congestion around where they go. But that's not the main problem.

Then there's the long hours people are made to work - all businesses are forced to be open when the mall is, and in small retail that can be very long anti-social hours that mean that families and kids get neglected for low paying jobs. This is almost the biggest problem, but again not quite.

The problem is what it's doing to our standards of living. In New Zealand all the big malls are owned overseas. When I see a big mall I see a huge money vacuum cleaner that sucks money and puts it in foreign bank accounts. I can hear it sucking and almost see the the notes and change out of the roof and into the sky. Next time you get near a big mall, blink three times to wash away the magic pixie dust and see if you can see how ugly it is. Then stop and listen carefully and see if you can hear New Zealand's future being vacuumed up.

The rents for the businesses in them are high and often the staff inside are paid very low wages while the goods fetch premium prices... and then all the profits are sucked up and sent offshore. The earnings are 'repatriated' and sent to Australia or wherever. Actually it is Australia. So all this spending is going offshore and worsening our balance of payments and making New Zealand even less profitable than it already is. The more malls and the bigger they are, and the more we shop in them, the lower our standard of living, especially so if you're a serf that works in one. It gives the phrase 'shop till you drop' new meaning.

I'd like to put a tag here - 'steps along the road to banana republic status'. Really the big sucker here is us.

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recipe: Indian Summer bacon cabonari

2010-07-25T17:16:00.001+12:00

4 bacon rashers

200 gm mince

6-8 capsicums (or substitute some broccoli)

250 gms sour cream

4 mushrooms

2 tablespoons ready made mild mustard or equivalent

mustard powder made up.

1 teaspoon rosemary

1/2 teaspoon sweet basil

cracked black pepper to taste

500 gm packet of pasta.

Other vegetables.

Chop the bacon into rough pieces, 2 cm square and fry

with mince. Fry until browning, but before they become

crispy. Say ten minutes.

Put on the pasta while the bacon and mince is cooking.

Finely chop the mushrooms and add with the herbs and the

pepper.

When the mushrooms have also browned add the mustard, and

then when it has mixed through add the sour cream.

While this is cooking put on any other vegetables you

intend to have.

Finally add the capsicums (and broccoli).

Let the mixture cook for 5 to ten minutes.

Drain the pasta and the other vegetables.

Serve together.

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Columns not up to Herald publication #1

2010-07-25T09:56:00.001+12:00

This is unpolished and was never going to work for the Herald on Sunday or anywhere else. And now it's dated by the iPad release

We all know it’s been a long cold winter. The surprise this week is that there's probably ood reason. According to NIWA, the New, um, International Weather Authority or something, Hell has possibly frozen over. Well NIWA says they don’t know. Some El Diablo or something from South America creating, unusual, isobaric, influences…. Actually it doesn’t matter what exactly it is in weather terms. The discussions have turned to the place where science meets Women’s Magazines: it’s a religious omen.

Seeking sense I decided to see what New Zealand’s main religions could offer to explain the phenomena. What I sought ways to stop the cold or at least keep warm. The first religion I turned to was Rugby; New Zealand’s orthodox church. Bishop Henry believes it is because people have lost faith. Apparently the worship of false Gods; Netball, league and, apparently soccer has caused severe upsets in the heavens. Now fully a third of the population are not worshippers any more and unless we return to being rugby-fearing the weather will only get worse. His answer was to watch more rugby, buy tickets to the world cup and wear black.

The devotees of Apple and things beginning with small ‘i’ s have a strong code; the problem is personal, Nirvana will be achieved when we all have Apple everything. Currently awaiting their next major religious festival – the arrival of the iPad – the AppleMac-ites aren’t eating, sleeping let alone thinking about the weather. I tried to question one disciple but had to let him talk for 37 minutes about the arrival of the iPad, the models and their capabilities, which store he’s going to camp outside, and how early he thinks he’ll need to be to get one before Bevan. Breaking his religious euphoria by asking whether it was a virus on a Mac that stopped the aliens in Independence Day, I asked about hell freezing over. It seems in Mac worship the idea of buying a PC and hell freezing over are linked.

The new religion on the block and one that will be interesting to track in the 2011 Census results is Social Media. While there are many sects in Social media the three largest; Facebook, LinkedIn, and the Tweeps have very few shared views on anything. The key tenet of faith is that social media is the future, it’s all about social media and the rest of us don’t get it. I put the question of Hell freezing over to a range of congregation members and all I got back was some virtual crops; a connection to a marketing manager in Tucson; and a 140 character rave about how stupid I was for not having full time staff on Twitter. I did get some responses on hell freezing over but the messages went back to comments about what’s for dinner and a quote from Shirley Maclaine.

I did also look at web pages devoted to the Holdens and the Fords, the Tweedledum and Tweedledee of Westie-based religions. Both worship declining quality Gods which apparently both handle better than the other in bad weather, so more a religion to cope with, rather than address, the cold.

The Homeopaths, a religion devoted to medicine not working, believe the way to freeze hell over is to drop a lighted match in it. Conversely if it is cooling dropping a splinter of an ice cube will keep it as a blistering inferno. Didn’t seem right to me but then I’m not a believer.

In the final analysis there should be signs that confirm that hell has frozen over.

The signs I’d be looking for are, for example, Rodney Hide being in Cabinet, New Zealand beating the world champions in the Football World Cup, TVNZ admitting they were wrong and rehiring Mike Hosking, and the Coach who lost the last Rugby World Cup coaching the All Blacks in the next one.

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Herald on Sunday columns

2010-07-11T20:39:00.001+12:00

I've got a 4 week gig writing columns for the Herald on Sunday. 'That guy' Leigh is away so I've had an opportunity to get back into writing humour. The Herald on Sunday is newspaper of the year and I have to say I always enjoy getting it as it is a good read.

Felt a bit rusty and I'll be sad when the last one is in this coming week, but it's been good.

This week: Vampires - when did they become the goodies?

http://tiny.cc/027lp

Last week: A bit on fflexible working conditions

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/opinion/news/article.cfm?c_id=466&objectid=10656294

Two weeks ago: Kiwi sports fans can ditch their bad-weather gear

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/sport/news/article.cfm?c_id=4&objectid=10654688

I've really enjoyed the stint. I haven't done my best work I have to say, re-reading older columns I don't feel as funny as I used to, BUT as I said I am rusty and instead of repressing my take on issues I need to get back to writing things down as they occur.

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The dreaded new computer

2010-06-10T10:25:00.001+12:00

Changing over computers should be easy. Buy a new one plug a cord from old to new, push 'new computer' and in a few minutes, maybe an hour, the new computer will start and look like your old own with all the files in the right place, connectivity set up, email running etc........ the same but better.

Instead.... days of heartbreak and hours of fevered hunching and stress. Missing passwords, thinks that just won't work, lost files.

Father Christmas/Oddly Elf	Tom Vavasour
Wonky Elf	Erin Williams
Flippin Elf	Sophie Rea
Mary Christmas	Holly Loughton
Busy Lee	Cushla Parker
Detective Kris Kringle	Braydon Priest
Little and Littler Elves	Emily Harrison, Georgia Mangelsdorf

Barcode Reading

Launching the NZ Dictator Party

Storm over a tea cup

Weeks of the living dread

Let's get to bottom of really serious conspiracies - NZ Herald

Sam Fisher: Stage jokes backfire before you can say 'sick day' - Herald

The meaning of the word 'gay' has changed a lot over the past century. Photo / Thinkstock

Untitled

Herald on Sunday

Sam Fisher: Career enhancement a triumphant motivator

Untitled

Fact versus fiction

The earth moves.... change change change

Paul Revere secret revealed by Sarah Palin

From the papers

Hot pies for breakfast

Japan

We built this city on rock n roll.

Malls

Lots of things

New Year's revelations 2011

stupidness and realistic expectations

Which Versus That

Which versus that (in case you were wondering)

Restrictive clauses are introduced by that and are not separated from the rest of the sentence by commas.

Non-restrictive clauses are introduced by which and must be separated by commas from the rest of the sentence.

GeoNet – Recent New Zealand Earthquakes

Great Spam con ideas #43

Sam’s Mediterranean madness salad

Suckers - the problems with Malls

recipe: Indian Summer bacon cabonari

Columns not up to Herald publication #1

Herald on Sunday columns

The dreaded new computer

the dreaded new computer

nice post from 'Where's my Jetpack' blog

I tried to share this but all the share button offered me was the video embedded in the blog. so here it is:

Monday, May 03, 2010

Social Media Mission Control

Where's My Jetpack?

Angels and Demons - movie comments

Nothing to do with work - SamNZed's peanut chews

Why I don't talk endlessly about my work - but just on communication without the s

And now for something completely dissonant

No regrets? Really?!! - do you live in a bubble?

Internet technology still at Morris Minor stage

Paradise Lost

NZ Black Caps to work on programme of easy competitors to boost morale

Posts I would have liked to have made - but too busy

Hot for Firefighters

What is the correct plural of conundrum? | Notes and Queries | guardian.co.uk

Are we there yet? NYs resolutions

SamNZed's 2010 almanac - unlikely predictions you saw here first

Two really popular movies that need to be binned

How do you find an elf? - By Juliet Lapidos - Slate Magazine

Sweden's bizarre tradition of watching Donald Duck (Kalle Anka) cartoons on Christmas Eve. - By Jeremy Stahl - Slate Magazine

Healthy Difference for Men: Coffee may help prevent Prostate Cancer - todaysthv.com | KTHV | Little Rock, AR

Thank You/en - Wikimedia Foundation

From the Wikimedia Foundation

Show your support for Wikimedia

Please tell us your Wikipedia story

Elmwood Players

Book Now!

'Who Stole Father Christmas?'

Want to find out about Auditions

Controversial church billboard - national | Stuff.co.nz

Anne Applebaum - Anne Applebaum on devaluing humanity and hope in Copenhagen

Pedant, purist or protector - reacting to badish use of England writing

Facebook | Sam Fisher It's less than a week from opening night and again I find myself asking 'What have I done?'

California as an island, utopia in the shape of a skull, and other strange maps. - By Frank Jacobs - Slate Magazine

Ageing stupidly

3 steps backwards

Getting married brings £18,000 worth of happiness to men – but only half that to women - Telegraph

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Split personality

Restrictive clauses are introduced by that and are not separated from the rest of the
sentence by commas.

Non-restrictive clauses are introduced by which and must be separated by commas from the rest of
the sentence.